so... the Avatar movie

What follows is a ever-evolving rant about the latest movie i have seen, Avatar(fuck you, Cameron, you don't own the name) The Last Airbender(since it was written on the fly it is lacking any proper sentence structure, least of all basic capitalization)

it was the biggest piece of shit i have ever seen. if you liked the show, or even seen three episodes(hell, you could trim it down to one) of it, you will rage at this horseshit movie constantly.

i will try and be as specific as possible in my rantings so i will have to, ahead of time, list what i will rage about. those items are as followed

the concept of the avatar
the fire nation's reason for war
the pantomiming
Katara
Aang
Sokka
Zhao
Ozai
Shamalamadingdong
the script in general
anything else i can think of

k. so first lets rage about the concept of the avatar.
so, you know how you get like three lines of exposition at the start of the series about what the avatar is?
a bridge between the spirit and real world
mofo who can use all elements
Time Lord(seriously, think about it)
.... and maybe something about balance
well, here's what you get in the movie. The Avatar can access the Spirit World, which dictates the world we live in, thus making him important(seriously, you're just told he is important. no subtlety here, folks). nothing about balance or shit like that, just that his ass can go on a fuzzy walkabout so you best revere his ass. it was so choppy and lazy.

The fire nation's reason for war
They don't like to be told what to do by the spirits so they be all like 'fuck the world, lets burn this shit!'
now, even for M. Night, this is some shoddy-ass writing. especially when you think about the reason for the show. The fire nation is power hungry and self absorbed and a tad delusional so they try and 'share the wealth' of their culture by murdering and subjugating all the other kingdoms. is this the best writing? no, not really because it basically says they're evil because they're evil, but its a somewhat believable evil. that's the big difference.

the pantomiming
okay, so in order for a bender to hover a goddamn rock, they must spend at least 15 seconds jumping about and doing kung fu poses before anything will happen. seriously, the kickass superfast shit you see in the trailer is like the only time you see someone do something with out first telegraphing so far ahead, Helen Keller could have seen it coming because you would have had time to first invent a time machine, travel to the late 1800's, grab her ass, put her right in the way of the attack and then hop right the hell back in your newly made Tardis and go to the 24 1/2 century and get the cure for blindness and come back and inject her with the serum and wait the 48 hours for it to take effect and STILL have time to get out of the way, even factoring in her obvious freaking out at a: finally being able to see, b: seeing some bald midget trying to dance up a tornado in front of her, and c: the fact that you just plopped her into the middle of a movie somehow.
... the point I'm trying to make here is its ridiculously stupid and long. hell, when Aang airbends a whirlwind at the northern water city to prove he is the avatar, in the middle of his dance routine/bending he fucking throws down a high-kick. how the fuck can a high kick make shit spin faster, who does he think he is, chuck norris?
... or, at the very least, David Lee Roth?

and now, the single worst part of this movie.
Katara.
goddamn is this bitch annoying. now, in the series, she is horribly annoying and makes more friendship speeches than the bitch from Yugioh, but at least she wasn't foot-in-mouth retarded. at the water temple, when Aang is looking at the mystical koi pond, she's all 'you two[Sokka and Yue]go on, I'll keep an eye on him' and Aang is all 'now i must concentrate and meditate and stuff' and the moment his eyes are closed-right in the middle of a goddamn war that said meditation can end, the dumb bitch is all 'i knew you would come back, i just knew it. i like shoes. you think that magneto-haired bitch is prettier than me'
... okay, not those last two parts, but honestly, it was fucking stupid.
and what makes you hate her MORE than that is how she pronounces everything. i know this is Shamalamadingdong's fault, but goddamnit is it annoying. right off the bat, she's talking about the 'Ah-va-tahr' like she's playing some snotty bitch in a SNL sketch from the 80s. and then there's 'Ahng' for Aang, 'Soh-kuh' for Sokka, and, even though she didn't say this and its just the way they did it in the film, 'Ee-roh' for Iroh. How the fuck can you mess up pronunciations of shit whose canon is already in a visual/audio format so you physically CAN'T fuck it up?
god this chick just pissed me off whenever she opened her mouth

Sokka.
They didn't even know what the fuck to do with Sokka. seriously, you could have taken him out of the film and you wouldn't have changed a thing... though Seeing Princess Yue fall in love with nothingness would be weird.... and hot.
So the series Sokka is a sarcastic little brat who gives everyone shit to make up for the fact that he is the weakest in the group(even though he is the one who actually KILLED COMBUSTION MAN BY THROWING A BOOMERANG BLIND AND POPPING HIM PERFECTLY IN THE GODDAMN SKULL!) but in this one he just stands there and stares. they give him one, MAYBE two comical moments and those are just barely passable. It's really annoying because he is a lot of people's favorite character simply because he is, at face value, the weakest one but give him half a chance and he'll fuck your shit up.

Aang
the main character, an overly jovial kid who acts that way to hide the fact that he's really insecure about being lofted with the weight of the entire fucking world. yeah, he's not here.
what you get is some annoying little prat who has the personality of a pod person. oh there's probably a lot more i hated about this kid, but I'm lost in a rage cyclone of... um... rage and its getting kinda hard to focus on the little stuff and most of its just because of horrible writing.

Zhao
Okay, i admit i thought it was awesome when i found out that Aasif Mandvi was playing him because it would be nice to see what he can do. now while he had that wonderfully snide attitude down, he wasn't as menacing or intimidating as he was in the cartoon. he was more like the evil assistant than the man with the plans. hell, they even have him going back to the fire nation and telling the Fire Lord everything he is about to do, from the raid of the Great Library(which he will bring up every three lines just so you wont forget that they're going to try and set up continuity), his plan to steal(or flat-out kill in the movie, but that probably goes with the motivations of the fire nation in the film of hating the spirits for some stupid reason) the moon spirit, and generally being all 'wassup, my bitch! what? someone blew up your kid? word? that's fucked up, dog.'
but, yeah, the biggest problem here was that the character wasn't being portrayed by someone who could rightly pull him off, sadly.
also, i liked how he got killed while Aang was going apestyle with the ocean spirit, which they changed to having him get fucking murdered by 4 waterbenders. while it was awesome and gave you a flat-out 'he's fucking dead' unlike the cartoon(cause lets face it, people can come back from anything), i just like the setup a mite better(movie had a good one too)

Ozai
now one of the great things about the cartoon was you had no idea what he looked like through the first two books and that made him seem more menacing, subconsciously. here they flat-out show him in the first scene and, trust me, even though the cartoons was nowhere near that bad(he was actually kinda normal looking-which made him even more badass when he went total batshit on everything at the end), the movie is just so damn plain. its horrible. there is no suspension of disbelief that the man you're seeing is supposed to be the most hated and feared man in all of the world? its goddamn laughable.
and he spends most of it bored with everything so you cant really get the sense that he is a foreboding presence. just so much fail

oh, and Zuko? he's the exact same. selfish little fuck who's only obsessed with honor-honor-honor. only you get no sense that he has any other side to him. you know how you're given a good glimpse of WHY he's so obsessed with his task in the cartoon by Iroh who was telling it to the shipmates who were hating on him to give them perspective while he sulked in his room writing poetry?
well in the new one he's at a town and calls a little kid over and, with a hood over his head and looking VERY sweaty and Aqualungy, says 'you look like a smart kid, now why don't you tell me, and the audience who Prince Zuko is and how his dome got fucked up' making him seem just like a narcissist. granted you could say he was doing that to counter his Uncles point of 'fuck searching for the avatar, there's some fine tail here, go get u some and forget about this' with a stance of 'no, i get pussy after i have the ahvatahr tied up on my ship' to which Iroh replies with a hearty 'what the fuck, man!' XD

M. Night Shyamalan.
M. Night Shyamalan. the end. seriously, that's all you need to say, anymore.

The Script.
While touched upon already, it's so damn rushed and horrid. and no, i don't mean the story since it was expected since it was the entirety of book one. i mean that he plowed through the first two drafts in one night-rushed.
here's basically how the plot goes(spoiler alert XD)
Hey, look a big glowy thing under the ice, lets hit it and surely gravity will not make us fall into it and die from hypothermia
Hey, there's a kid
Hey, now we're in the village and the kid's got tattoos
Hey, there's a dude with ray liota face here
Hey, he took the kid
Hey, where's that big thing the kid was on... oh wait there it is, it can fly lets take it and find him
Hey, he got himself out
Hey, lets go see my old home
Hey, look, at all the cool skulls of all your old friends T_T
Hey, i never got mystical knowledge of all the elements(wait... what?) so's i got to learn them all manually
Hey, lets go to the water peoples
Hey, look, we're in prison with other benders
Hey, look, we caused a riot
Hey, those people gave us waterbending scrolls
Hey, Aang, why do you get emo whenever u try n waterbend? why u suck, dawg?
Hey, imma go see the other temple, surely it's not a trap
Hey, it was a trap
[Admiral Ackbar facepalms]
Hey, a creepy dude comes to save me
Hey, it was Prince Bitched-Face, WTF
Hey, we're at the water place
Hey, Bitched-Face gets blowed up, sure hope he doesn't get anymore scars because then his ass will be right back to capturing something else to get his honor back(pokemonz?)
Hey, time passes by
Hey, shit goes down
Hey, let me raise the water levels a tad and it will scare the enemy away
Hey, it worked(seriously, what?)
Hey, the movie's over and everyone made it out okay, right Sokka? ... say, where's Yue?
honestly it was about that bad. although, on a plus, the way they did the whole 'Aang going to his old temple' thing was better than the show's. in the show, he just wants to go check for closure's sake but in the movie, he honestly hasn't figured out that its been a hundred years yet, so he's just on his way home and BAM tons of dead monks! that's some messed up shit and makes for a good way to give you a look at the inner workings of a character... or it would if Shpadoinkle didn't just have him go on a mental walkabout and talk to a dragon and then come back like nothing was ever wrong.

and why must they go learn all the elements? not because of its part of the natural cycle of the avatar to go out n find a teacher, making them learn the inner workings of the world so they can better keep it in harmony. heck no, you magically learn it or some shit, but he ran away before he could so now he has to go through the manual install. rather dumb, really.

the goddamn climax.
seriously, this is what happens. Zuko fucked off with Aang and Iroh, Zhao, some red shirts, and the water tribe trio is there at the koi pond and Zhao has sacked the moon spirit-fishie and Iroh is all 'don't do it, brah. bad shit will happen, yo' and Zhao is all 'fuck that noise. STAB' and Iroh Vader-NOOOOOOO's instead of, you know, STOPPING HIM!
Iroh then tells him he fucked up and makes fire come out of his hands and it scares all the fire nation there and they run away and him and the trio do the whole 'let Yue die' thing. Meanwhile, Aang, having gotten away, is off standing around while a war is going down, thinking about what he should do(fucking fight, maybe?) and he decides to go up to the wall and look at the warships and start breathing and dance-bending and raises the water level kinda high and that makes everyone run away.
seriously. that's all he does. he fucking raises water up-something that a group of waterbenders could easily do when working in tandem and, therefore, the fire nation would have trained for such an eventuality(though they ran away from someone who made fire, so what would you expect) and yet they run. fucking stupid.

i should talk about that Iroh thing too. you see, in the movie, Firebenders are like Pyro from the X-Men. They can manipulate fire, but they cant produce it. And Iroh being able to do this is a sign that he is a bad motherfucker and should not be messed with. and, apparently that's what the comet does, instead of making firebending super-powerful, it means firebenders can produce their own flame. somehow that is going to win the war for them. honestly they didn't think this plan through very well



i will probably find much more to rage about this in the coming hours so this is really a work-in-progress